My nextU

According to Mona Simpson, Oh wow! Oh wow! Oh wow! were the last words of Steve Jobs. She tells a completely moving story, which you should read in the New York Times, but I have a question:

While I aspire to have that be my last utterance, what if I lived OH WOW! OH WOW! OH WOW! everyday? What if  I brought OH WOW! into my most mundane practices?

Here’s my first try. I made a cup of tea. Instead of judging myself for wanting honey in it, I thought OH WOW! Honey! It made this humble cuppa exciting, special, daring and worth paying attention to all the way to the bottom.

What if you dedicate 5 minutes today to OH WOW! What thoughts or feelings come to mind?

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Cotton courtesy of Agriterra.org

Pop culture may be all about conquest through hard bodies, minds, attitudes, but I find more victory in softening.

Softening helps me pay attention both to what’s going on inside me and  widens my perspective on what is going on in the rest of the world. Softening gives me many more options beyond my knee-jerk response. I can listen, consider, create a space for negotiation.  It is an extremely effective strategy to reduce stress and a critical piece in the sleep process.

Softening is doing nothing , rather, it’s a very active practice. Try it yourself. Notice how you feel right now. Take five breaths and each time you exhale imagine that you can soften, first, your muscles, then with each succeeding breath, your skin, breath, jaw, eyes. Notice the effects of this softening.

Even writing these words gives me an experience of more calm, a frisson of joy, and a sense of well being. How is it for you?

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“As one’s trust in the hidden goodness of life becomes stronger,
it will be possible to bless more and more of life’s ambiguities.”

–Demetrius Dumm

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Do you focus on the container or the experience?

I had a lot of preconceived ideas about ‘real’ meditation practice. One had to sit in a special way on a special cushion for a long time. I never do that kind of meditation.

Once I gave up the notion that form was better, I actually got to an organic practice.

What works for me is not the time or accessories, rather to give myself the time to soften so I can notice what I am feeling and thinking then, I can detach any significance of those sensations and give my mind an opportunity to quiet.

This is a great reminder to let go of all the rules I have about how things are ‘supposed to be’ and focus on what delivers the experience.

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When you look at this, do you see the liquid or the space?

My mother used to always chide me to change my attitude and look at my life as a ‘glass half full.’ I used to get angry, because I only saw what I thought I lacked. Both of us missed an important opportunity.

Instead of judging what I had or comparing myself to the imagined full glasses of others, there is a powerful third option: look at the gift of the empty space.  There aren’t any rules there. There isn’t any good or bad, right or wrong. Anything could happen. Empty is a mystery that can only be solved by exploring and experiencing for myself.

What thoughts and meaning come to mind when you take a moment for the emptiness? What does having a little more space in your life give you?

aging, breathing, finding joy, get unstuck, gross national happiness, personal growth, simplify your life, surviving tough times, transitions, What's really important, women and change

What's the smallest unit of a dream called?

Since I graduated from kindergarten, people have been telling me to follow my dream. The problems for me have been which dream? or was this particular dream the right one? Most of the time, my dreams seemed too big and too unrealistic to spend time chasing.

Instead, I propose a new, more realistic goal: the dream-let.

The dream-let is a tiny unit of dream. It fits in your pocket or wallet or somewhere else convenient. It can be realized in the time it takes for something else you are waiting for to transpire. For example, the time it takes your shower water to get hot, computer to boot up, phone call to ring enough to put you in voice mail…

What would happen if you re-claimed this time for your self?

What would be your dream-let today?

How does it feel to fulfill it?

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I was going to write... really....

Do you ever congratulate yourself for procrastinating? Chances are that, like me, you are an expert.

Try it. Go ahead – make a list of all the great ways you have avoided or postponed starting something. Think of all the very sophisticated or basic strategies you’ve used and how extremely effective they have been.

Now, notice how you feel. I notice that once I have praised myself, I no longer feeling resistance. I feel positive and ready to do the next thing. Instead of  my usual endless mental cycle of resist, berate, regret, the big task seems easy to start on.

What do you notice?

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Recently, I was disappointed. I pouted, railed against the fates, and ate ice cream. I waited for the magic to transform me or the situation. Nothing happened.

I finally realized that righteous indignation, disappointment and a demand that I deserve better wasn’t getting me anywhere. Even if I couldn’t change the outcome, I did have the ability to transform my internal reality.

I started by clearing space for a different voice to be heard or idea to emerge. Just like when you move, you discover closets full of stuff that you once loved and treasured, there are  a lot of  things I’ve collected mentally.

Clutter Inhibits Movement

The line between collection and clutter is often one of a few degrees. Being stuck is one of the indicators that the line has been crossed. However, getting rid of mental clutter requires release.  I have to be willing to feel the emotions like sadness, resentment, fear, and loss that I filed away with that thought. And have compassion for myself for having so much wrapped up in something that now seems slightly ridiculous.

I’ll be writing more on this in the next four weeks. For now, here is a one-minute exercise to begin the process:

Take a breath and exhale completely. Notice the natural release and relief that happens when you intentionally inhale and exhale.

Now, listen to your answer to this question: What do you need to let go of to move forward today?

Wrap that thought in the compassion of the next breath and thank it for serving you in the past. Take another breath and sigh the air out, noticing what happens to the thought and you. You may want to repeat this part of the exercise several times before you move on or notice more space and energy right away.

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Underlying my disappointments are a strong sense of the way things are supposed to be. In fact, I insist on them being that way, regardless what actually happened.

I can weep and wail. I can bang my head on the wall. At some point, I start wondering how to get out of my self imposed jail. One way is to start disassembling those mental models by looking at my assumptions and the meaning I made from them.

Here’s a one-minute way to move beyond a loss:

It’s always a good idea to sigh, so take a deep breath and just sigh the air out.
Now, make a list of your assumptions about what was “supposed” to happen.
Pick one assumption. Consider, what if the opposite of this assumption were true?  Make a note or two as you answer the following:

• What would be happening in this alternate reality?
• How – or who — would I be, if I assumed this?
• What else would be possible?

Take another deep breath and sigh the air out. You can look at other assumptions on your list or save them for another minute.

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Disappointment stems from insisting on my version of life. I latch on to a single story of the way things have to be. This expectation locks me into a single interpretation of the outcome: success or failure, good or bad, winner or loser.

When I can stop judging myself because of the outcome, I am able to neutralize the situation. When it’s neutral, I can make different choices without the burden of negative consequence. If everything is more or less equal, I can explore, learn, and see what else might be available, since a particular avenue isn’t working.

Here are three steps to get to equanimity:

• Step one is offer myself some compassion for making myself suffer over a situation I can’t change, because I need to feel safe and seen in order to let go.
• Then, I make a list of all the assumptions I had about what I wanted to happen. This usually helps me see how I’m locking myself into one tiny reality out of an infinite number of possibilities.
• Step three, I start looking around to see what else is available to me. That’s about the time I realize I’ve let go of my disappointment and am moving to something new

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